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Monday, August 17th, 2009 01:34 pm
UPDATE: Second version of Harm is up, hopefully this will hit a little more on target... although I'm pushing the timeline a bit (considering the transcripts I can find only mention a vague 'some weeks later', it should be long enough.) *crosses fingers*

Semi-final drafts, will do some more poking tonight and see what changes. Hmm. *pokes* Thoughts anyone? Too far off prompt? Still too vague to fit the fandom?


TITLE: For All The Years That Do Us Harm / And These Cold Comforts Warm
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis
LENGTH/RATING: 200 words (paired drabbles), PG, Gen
SHIPS/WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY/TIMELINE: Hurt and Comfort. Set post "The Return (Part 1)" but pre (Part 2). Written for sga_flashfic: The H/C Challenge.

For All The Years That Do Us Harm

It's a different kind of hurt, when the life you've left behind was so much more than you'd ever imagined it could be. Forced back through that quantum sea, betrayed by the City's rightful heirs-- there's no solace here; even knowing those Atlantis suffered to protect will never share your nightmares. Because your world's so very small now, against the backdrop of all you could've done and all you might've been. It's a faint shadow of a life-- and you cry until your chest hurts and your eyes burn, because this still isn't real and won't ever be real again.


And These Cold Comforts Warm

Time mends some wounds, but nothing wears away the scars. Sometimes the world's still too small and the sky too large; when memories of loves and loss --nightmares of what almost was-- swallows up the days. But they stay nightmares now, wispy and half-alive, and the world's too small in all the right ways. A single flower, a touch, a smile, all the simple honest joys each moment brings. And when the nights loom large --memories burnt bright against the sky-- they focus on each other, on the bits of home they'd never truly lost, and it's enough.

_______________________________

"STARGATE ATLANTIS", "STARGATE SG1" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by MGM TELEVISION and DOUBLE SECRET PRODUCTION in association with GEKKO FILMS and THE SCIFI CHANNEL. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement is intended nor implied.

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Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC)
Still too vague... Now I feel a little guilty and maybe a little thick, but I do respond more to the "Harm" drabble not that it has the anchoring word "Atlantis" in it. I really like "it's a faint shadow of a life," and the part after that is quite dynamic.

"Warm" didn't change so much, and, as a companion piece, it doesn't need to.
Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 04:19 am (UTC)
They aren't the proto-typical H/C but I think it qualifies. As for being in the fandom, eh, you're the author, if you think you're telling an Atlantis story, then you are. FWIW, it /feels/ like an Atlantis story, one of those 'stranded' ones.

For the concrit-- I recommend firming up a bit exactly what the situation is in the first drabble. When I finished reading it I had no idea if we were talking about one person, a team, the whole Expedition, if they were on Earth, stuck on Atlantis, stuck at some random planet, what level of tech it was... I realise part of the power is in the vague, but I'd like some firming up of what went on. (And ignoring the paired part and ignoring the suitability to fandom and challenge, I really liked the 'Time' drabble.)
Wednesday, August 19th, 2009 01:19 am (UTC)
Hmm, good job on firming up when/what in the story (though the summary/timeline note does help too.)

I'd say that this is an AU where they never made it back, though. In order to have the second drabble work at all emotionally you need lots of time. That sort of healing wouldn't be possible in the canonical timeframe.

And back to 'harm':
I like the first half but the second half is rockier to me. So, details:

"even knowing those Atlantis suffered to protect will never share your nightmares."
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here. Is this resentment that the 'rightful heirs' booted out the folks who fought and bleed and acquired nightmares for the sake of Atlantis (and the expedition and the Pegasus galaxy)? Or is it something where they are happy that they are the ones with the nightmares? I think the 'your' here is a good portion of my issues with it. Possibly 'your nightmares'.

"because this still isn't real and won't ever be real again."
I think I know where you're trying to go with this (the feeling that Earth isn't real and wanting to reject the reality of it), but I think you need to radically scrap this part. Because, especially in conjunction with 'shadow of a life' earlier, it makes me start to think of VR/hallucinations/dream-verses/etc, which is exactly NOT what happened.


-------
Not sure if the ambiguity is helpful or hurtful here...
Works well for me.

I was trying for a first person fade to third person as a indication of the distancing effect of time, but I'm not sure that came out well.
Um, 'Harm' seems to be entirely in 2nd? Am I being retarded? Hmmm, 'warm' is in third... I think you might want to make the switch in the very final sentence of 'harm', just to make them link up better, to emphasize the interconnectedness of the drabbles. (so, if 'harm' didn't change at all, I would recommend turning the last sentance into "It's a faint shadow of a life-- and they cry until their chests hurt and their eyes burn, because this[possibly would change to 'it'] still isn't real and won't ever be real again." )



Hope I'm making some sort of sense-- my head is feeling very cotton-wool-like.
Wednesday, August 19th, 2009 03:43 pm (UTC)
Oh! One more thing I just noticed-- possibly refer to Atlantis as 'she'? I know not everyone might have personified the city, but it seems like it might fit with the attitude of the piece. Unless, of course, what's being morned is less the city in specific as the whole damn package (the city, the galaxy, the mission, the Expedition members, etc).